Fall Sadness, Holidays, and a New Wardrobe

I'm loving the fall weather, but fall is bringing up some unpleasant memories.  These last 4+ months, I've worked hard to squash memories of Rudy being sick and instead, have tried to train my mind to switch to memories of happy times.  I'm having less success now and I suppose it's inevitable that the next few months will be pretty much a minefield.

I suppose I need to start reading lots of articles like this.

October is the month that Rudy first thought he had bronchitis.  He went to the doctor and had x-rays.  They found a tumor.  November was the grim diagnosis and the beginning of the merry-go-round of tests and chemo.  Every holiday has a memory of sickness.  Every holiday will also have a memory of happy times in past years.  Rudy loved the holidays.  Will I ever be able to love them again?  I'm so mad at myself for feeling this way.  I've been brilliant at controlling how I look at things and now I'm losing my control.  I'm absolutely dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I swear, if it weren't for all my pet craziness, I'd leave town.  I want to run away.

Seriously, I do NOT want to ruin gatherings
for everyone by acting like this!
This little crying girl cracks me up.
See how I'm able to have fun even while being pitiful?

Also, in the fall are two family reunions.  Rudy loved those even more than holidays.  I don't know why, but I think I'll be able to handle those a little better than the holidays.  I keep wondering why and just have no idea.  They'll be sad, but I don't feel like I could have a meltdown.  Just the thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas makes me feel panicky.  There is a tiny little doubt in my head about these reunions.  What if I just think I'll be OK, but get there and lose it?  Darn it.  Where has my mind control gone?  I'm doing exactly the things I know not to do.

Another weird thing I'm having trouble with is my wardrobe.  So many of my fall clothes have memories attached to them.  How shallow is that?  I wore this sweater when Rudy was told he was going to die and there was nothing they could do.  I might as well toss that sweater if I can't get myself under control.  I wore that outfit to his first meeting at CTCA.  Every fall and winter thing I have is associated with chemo and doctor visits and scans and emergency room visits.

I've been buying new clothes like crazy.  You may think I've suddenly become a style maven, but there's a bit more to it than that.  I'm trying to make the buying process fun and I'm trying to find things I can love wearing, but it's not exactly a happy fashion transformation.  It's a necessary fashion transformation.  Last year's clothes make me cry.

I really believe that after I get through the rest of this year I might be able to turn a corner and focus on joy again.  I'd like to turn a corner before then.  I'd like to figure out how I can be present at holiday gatherings without ruining them for everyone else.  I can't believe it's only September and I'm worried about that.  That's stupid!  I don't like doing stupid things.  I need to snap out of it, right?

Here's something that occurs to me, showing that karma's a bitch.  I can remember seeing widows throughout my life who suddenly spruced themselves up and/or suddenly began redecorating or moving to a new home or going on trips or doing happy things.  All sorts of things occurred to me - they must not have loved their husbands all that much, they must have inherited a bunch of money, they must be thinking about getting another man... the judgmental list goes on. (I will say that I was more judgmental about it when I was young and had gotten a bit more understanding in the last few years.  Still I racked up a good bit of widow-judgment karma in my twenties, thirties, and forties.) Well, here I am, right smack in the middle of the things I judged.  I get it now.  I understand ALL the reasons now.  Lesson learned.  Don't judge me. I personally care very little if you do, but for your own sake, just remember... karma's a bitch.

Not Sweating the Small Stuff

I know I've changed.  That's a fact.  But some of the changes have surprised even me.  I'm just not sweating the small stuff so much these days.

The other day I was in a bit of a hurry and while refilling the cat food bowl, the whole thing dropped and food went everywhere.  Those little morsels can really slide across the floor, too!  Instead of getting upset, it seemed like a photo op.  Ha!  The mess you see is the main pile, but I would have had to take many shots to show the extent of the mess.

It occurred to me that I was taking the whole "big-mess-when-in-a-hurry" thing very well, but I didn't think about it much more.  After all, who cries over spilt cat food, right?

But today, I reacted calmly in a situation that would have previously sent me into a full-blown hissy fit.  My bookmarks disappeared.  As in GONE.  No, I hadn't turned off my bookmarks toolbar or something simple like that.  They were there one moment and gone the next.  I tried all the tricks I could find, searching through "bak" files and more.  The bookmarks could not be retrieved.  Years of carefully culled bookmarks were lost in the great internet void.  I did experience some mild shock, but there was no hissy fit.  There were no tears.  There was no panic.  After the mild shock, I thought it through and realized that I would be able to find most anything I needed and they needed cleaning out anyway.

I think my biggest shock is that I didn't have a melt down.  Frankly, I'm a little worried.  Do you think it's possible that aliens abducted me and removed all the hissy fit cells from my brain?  Or is someone putting Prozac in my almond milk?  Who am I?  If Rudy is looking down on me, I'll bet he's even confused.

By the way - I'm knocking on wood.  Every time I gloat about doing well with anything, it seems I eat my words soon after.  I wouldn't be surprised if a hissy fit comes along soon.  Probably in public for maximum humiliation.

Wow. Teddy is Looking GOOD!

I have no idea how things will go long term, but Teddy has made sort of a miraculous turn-around!

Whatever his issue is, it's being helped by either antibiotics and/or steroids.  He's walking almost normally and he's not stumbling or falling at all.

I can't tell you how good that feels.  I was really getting down at the thought of having to watch him go downhill.  I know better than to think that it still might no happen at a later date, but at least for now, he and I both are really happy.

Here's a video that shows him in action -

UPDATE: Teddy doesn't have a tumor or anything so serious.  It all seems to be allergy related (something outside).  He's now on allergy medication and doing great!

A Lesson From Teddy

I've been feeling pretty low lately.  Tomorrow will be 2 months since Rudy's death.  It's been a long, hard 2 months.  I really don't like that I'm marking the anniversary of his death.  Id rather mark happier anniversaries, but I can't seem to help myself.

Another thing I'm dealing with is the failing health of my dog, Teddy.  He's the young one who had what we thought was mange, then it appeared his skin troubles were solved through a limited ingredient diet.  I guess it wasn't solved. Some of his "hot spots" seem to be coming back as you can see in the photo.

I'll try to get some better photos soon.

A few months back, we thought Teddy had injured a leg or hip, but we didn't think it was too serious.  He was walking a little odd, but didn't seem to be in pain.  In the last couple of weeks, his walking got worse. He wobbles and seems unsure of his footing.  Sometime he stumbles and tips over.  I took him to the vet today.  She feels sure it's something neurological, most likely a brain tumor.  There's also a chance it could be some tick born illness or something similar.  Before we give up, she wants to try him on steroids and antibiotics.

I am hurting over this on so many levels.  It would be really hard to watch him go down.  I'm still trying desperately to erase the memories of Rudy's last weeks.  I'm  focusing on good memories so hopefully those the images will be the ones that first come into my head.  Watching Teddy go down would be too much of a reminder of those painful days with Rudy.

Teddy is such a sweetheart.  He's a very trusting, happy dog.  Ok.  Enough of that.  It's not helping.   Let me get to the better part of this post.

This afternoon, I went for a walk with the dogs.  Teddy went along.  He looks a bit spastic when he walks, but that didn't stop him.  On our walk, he was dashing around here and there and even did a good bit of running.  He was wagging his tail and looking quite happy despite his issues.  There's a lesson there.

I guess I'll go on the journey with him and we'll BOTH try to be as happy as possible.  He may have a brain tumor and go down rapidly.  He may have something that is able to be contained with pills.  I know better than to attempt any predictions.  Teddy and I will do the best we can with what each day brings.  And maybe we'll go for more walks.

This quote (and this post) is more positive than I'm truly feeling, but I'm working on it.

UPDATE: Teddy doesn't have a tumor or anything so serious.  It all seems to be allergy related (something outside).  He's now on allergy medication and doing great!

My Birthday

Today was my birthday.  I can say without any doubt whatsoever that I am wiser than I was last year.  I'm practically a different person.  The new me appreciates everything more than ever.  I laugh more readily.  I say I love you more often.  I hug more often.  Those are good changes.

Not all my changes are good.  I'm a bit tougher than I used to be.  I had to toughen up.  Sometimes that toughness feels hard, like I can't allow myself to feel too much.  I hope that's temporary.  Also, everything I do, even my laughter, includes sadness.  I work hard to not show too much sadness.   I prefer to face the day with a smile.  That takes effort and can be exhausting.

I had lots of invitations to do fun things for my birthday.  My friends and family were ready to do anything I wanted.  I chose to stay home and rest.  I've been busy for too long.  I've been putting on a happy face for too long.  A day to decompress was long overdue.

The day would seem completely boring to most people, but it was the best it could be for me.  I opened birthday cards, including a funny face one from my niece, Kelly.  I wasn't successful in getting the card lined up just right in front of my face while doing a selfie.  I don't like selfies, but I'm pushing myself to take more of them.  Not sure why.  I'm sure a creative therapist could make something out of that.

I putzed around the house a bit, doing laundry, a tiny bit of tidying and for fun, a little furniture rearranging.  

I also made time for Netflix, my new nighttime friend.  That little gem has come into my life just when I need it.  I hardly ever watch regular TV anymore.  

I decided to walk on the wild side and had a bowl of ice cream (bought just for my birthday) for dinner.  It wasn't dessert.  It was my DINNER.  I had thought about cooking myself something nice, but having ice cream was easier and it made me laugh.  

My neighbor, Bobby, came by with his son-in-law, Adam, to pick up two of the tractor accessories.  

He got a scraper and a plow break.  Just as he started off with the plow break, it began to rain. 

My dad had walked down, so we sat under the barn lean-to and enjoyed it.  He looks pretty morose in the photo, but really, it was very pleasant.  Rain under a tin roof is a simple pleasure.

I played around in the office for a bit today.  I wasn't alone.  I have 6 dogs, but Annie is the one who has decided I need watching.  She's still missing Rudy and I guess she wants to make sure I don't leave her.  My kitty, Sissy, is usually on my desk.  Today, she decided she'd try out the floor to see if Annie knew something she didn't.

My day sort of makes me think of the Flowers on the Wall song.  I should write my own lyrics.  I'd have to mention Netflix and ice cream and obsessive decluttering. I don't have any flowers on my walls.  Maybe I could count things on my to-do list instead.  That would keep me busy. :-D

After my day of rest,  I feel so much better.   I'm ready to face the world again.  My social calendar is pretty full, but I think I'm going to be sure to schedule in more time at home.  There's no need to wait til I'm completely worn out to take a break.  Plus, I need time to reflect.  I can't run from grief.  Wherever I go, there I am.  That's an odd little phrase, but it's fairly profound.

The 65 Truck is Officially Handed Over

Daniel and Luis worked on the old Ford pickup today.  They replaced a battery, some belts and a few other things.  It runs great!

Here are some photos from the day.  You can click on photos to see them larger.

What needs to be done?

Time to begin

First Time Sitting in the Driver's Seat

Supervisors

Luis - "Head Mechanic"

The Audience

It runs!  

Runs Great, But Boy is it Dirty!

Cleaning Off Years of Dirt

It's Looking So Much Better!

Isn't She Beautiful!?!?!?!?

A Proud New Owner

Even the Dash is Incredible

It Was a Fun Day

Want to hear the engine purr?  Click on this video -

Office Fireworks

Talk about a close call...

I was upstairs looking through decor, because that's the kind of thing I do when I really should be getting serious about cleaning.  Suddenly there was a mini explosion downstairs, followed quickly by the sound of breaking glass.

I was certain that one of my fur babies was about to be in big trouble.  When I came to the bottom of the steps, my cat, Cindy, gave me a superior look and if she could have talked, she would have said, "You can't blame this one on me."

Some of those globe shards look pretty lethal!

When I looked into the office I saw glass shards all over the floor.  Some were really big and sharp.  All around my chair.  The ceiling globe had fallen or exploded.  Had I been in my chair...  ooohhh. And if I had been in my chair, my sweet dog, Annie, would have been right where the most lethal shards had landed.   I'm glad I was wasting time upstairs.  Even worse, if this had happened a few months ago, Rudy might have been sitting in the line of fire.  Just the thought of that makes my stomach flip.

The light fixture that failed is the type where the globe goes right to the rim.  There's no real space for hot air to exit.  The shards on the floor were VERY hot even though it was a few minutes before I gathered everything I need for cleanup. The heat may have caused the fail.  It's also possible that the screw thingie could have given.  I don't think the bulbs have been changed since we moved in (2008).  The bulbs that came with the fixtures have been super long-lasting.  Unfortunately, I have fixtures just like that in many rooms in the house. Regardless of why it failed, I'd like to replace them all with fixtures that feel a little less threatening.

The one on the left is the one that exploded.
The one on the right is an identical fixture in the foyer.

When we first moved in this house, I didn't spend much on light fixtures.  I wanted to find unique ones I really liked at a leisurely pace.  That was in 2008.  I haven't replaced any of them. Obviously, I put that little detail on the back burner.  There was always something higher on my list.  Lately, I've been thinking about replacing a few, especially the ones in the kitchen, which are the ones that annoy me the most.  I'm even thinking about learning to do it myself.  I've seen plenty of gals on blogs who install new light fixtures and they act like it's pretty easy.  I wasn't going to rush out looking for fixtures.  Instead, I hoped to come across some pretty 2nd hand ones I liked. With medical bills still coming in, I don't really want to spend much money right now, so I wasn't in a hurry.  HOWEVER, now that I have the possibility of future explosions,  replacing fixtures has suddenly moved way up the list.  Meanwhile, I won't be leaving my overhead lights on for any length of time.  Whew!

If anyone comes across any 2nd hand awesome light fixtures you think I need to know about, let me know.  I have lots of fixtures to replace!  I'm thinking about a chandelier or two, some pendant lights and who knows what else.

PS - Please don't anyone worry that I want 2nd hand because I am at the edge of financial doom.  I prefer 2nd hand because it's way more fun to decorate that way.  That's just me.  And if anyone out there has experience with installing fixtures, I'd love a hands on lesson after I've learned a thing or two online.

We've Been Duped!

Ladies, if your husband spends hours cutting grass and he let's you feel sorry for him, you've been duped!  Cutting grass on a riding mower is FUN!

I have two riding mowers.

I love my John Deere.  It's a "regular" riding mower.  Riding on it is pretty much a time for relaxation and meditation.  I put on a wide-brimmed hat and take along a glass of something cold.  It's really nice.

I have also fallen in love with the Skag mower, which is the one Rudy always used.  It's a zero-turn mower.  It's in a whole other league!  Forget meditation.  This one is like a cross between a go-cart and a video game.  It's FUN!

All these years, when we divided chores around the house, I had things like cooking, doing dishes and cleaning toilets.  Rudy cut the grass.  He spent hours doing it.  Without complaint.  Now I know why.  Dangit.  He got me.  I'll bet he's up there laughing at me right now.

Who's Afraid of a Haircut?

I got a real haircut today.  I had a trim at one of those quickie places a couple of weeks ago, but it wasn't enough.  I haven't had a real haircut in about 8 months.  Today, I decided that was long enough.

I purposely went to a new stylist.  It was good to talk to someone who had no idea who I was or what my life was like.  She didn't ask me how I was doing.  She didn't have that, "I have no idea what to say to you" look of concern on her face.  I didn't have to tell her I was OK, when actually I don't even know what OK is anymore.  Sometimes it's nice to be anonymous.

We discussed hairstyles.  I showed her a picture of what I had in mind.  She asked if I afraid to cut that much.  That stopped me. She probably wondered why I took so long to answer.  For the last 7 months, I have been looking at lots and lots of people with no hair.  No hair is the least of their problems.

Finally, I told her, "I'm not afraid of a haircut.  It's only hair."  If I was going to be anonymous, I didn't need to open up a cancer dialogue.

I used to think haircuts were important.  Now, a good haircut is nice, but it's not all that important.  In fact, now I'm tempted to take some risks.  I know for a fact that life can be short.  Today, my haircut was fairly safe, but one day I may turn up with blue hair or a buzz cut or one of those crazy asymmetrical do's.  Because I am afraid of some things - like cancer - but I am not afraid of a haircut.

Overactive Imagination

Well, my mind is certainly heading down an interesting path.  It may take me straight to a padded room.  Now I'm seeing things.

Today, Luis and his brother, Joseph, came down and replaced some wood on our deck steps and porch rails.  A few of the steps were in really bad shape and I was particularly worried that someone might get hurt.  My sister-in-law, Nancy was also there helping me with some things in the house.

We had all stopped for lunch and were sitting around the table talking mostly about Rudy.  I was sitting opposite Luis.  We had been talking for some time, and Luis was saying some pretty wonderful things when all of a sudden, I caught sight of some items in the background around Luis's head.  I saw wings and a halo.

A few months back, our dogs started going nuts at the window trying to get in.  One of them kept jumping on the screen.  There was no time to shop or sew, so I decided to hang a a tablecloth hung over a shower curtain rod as a makeshift curtain to block the view. That solved the problem - no more dogs scratching at the window.   Above the curtain was a vintage life buoy - my idea of an interesting wreath.  

Behind Luis's head, the tablecloth seemed like angel wings and the life buoy became a halo.  I had Joseph and Nancy sit in my chair and look for themselves.  It was a bit freaky.  I took some photos, but it was better in person.

What I wonder - is Luis the angel or is there an angel watching over him from behind?  I don't know, but one thing is certain - Luis is a really great guy.

His and Her Chores

Wahoo!  I can now say I am experienced at mowing the lawn with both a push mower and a riding mower.  I cut for ages today on the new John Deere and the yard looks fabulous.  We have 10 acres.  I didn't come close to getting it all, but I made a good dent in the area around the house.  I have loads of offers for help with the cutting including from my parents who live right next door.  They help as much as Rudy will let them.  Rudy still hopes to get going on it again, but for now, he's weak as a kitten.

Rudy and I have divided our around the house chores ever since we were married.  I only remember mowing the grass once during all this time.  Truthfully, mowing looks like fun (way better than cleaning toilets or doing dishes) but I never wanted to learn because I could barely keep up with the jobs that had become mine.

Now that Rudy is unable to do his jobs, I have had to take them on and it's been really hard. It's not hard just because of the increased work.  It's hard because I am clueless about so many things.  I didn't know how to start a mower.  I don't know where he keeps manuals or keys.  I don't know which gas is used where.  I think some things use special gas but I don't know which things.  He has lots of gas cans but none are labeled so I don't know which gas might be special.   I don't know the medicine routine for our pets.  I could go on and on.  And for the record, if I were the one who was sick, Rudy would be clueless about just as many things.

I am not looking for sympathy here. I'll figure things out eventually.  Rudy will help me when he can.  Right now, he's too weak to even explain much.  My parents will help.  Our friends and family will help.   You Tube is a lot of help.  And no matter how hard what I'm doing feels, it doesn't come close to what Rudy is dealing with.

My main reason for making this point is for my married friends who may be living "divided lives" when it comes to chores.  Take the time to learn more about the things your partner does.  There are so many circumstances that could come up where the knowledge could prove invaluable.

I've Changed

I'm not the same.  I've changed.  Today, I had a glimpse of the person I'm turning into.  It looks like the new me will be far less willing to put up with things that aren't right.

I set out to buy a John Deere mower.  By myself.  Most any female has experienced the dark side when shopping for something typically thought of as a male item.  We are sometimes ignored or talked down to and sometimes even lied to.  I have avoided that most of my life by making sure Rudy was always with me if I suspected there might be a problem.  Today, I was on my own.

I walked into the John Deere dealership in Newnan (Ag-Pro).  There were 4 men in the store - 3 behind the counter, 1 at a desk.  All of them were in close proximity and all of them saw me. Two were on the phone.  They all continued about their business.  I didn't even get a wave, a nod or a hello.  After standing patiently in the middle of the store for what seemed like ages, one of them said he'd be with me in a minute.  His idea of a minute was different than mine and he was obviously in no rush. Two other men walked out onto the floor and talked with the others.  So now, there were 6 men ignoring me.  I felt less than invisible.
This could have been their easiest sale of the day.  I knew exactly what I wanted.  I had called to make sure it was in stock.  I knew the price.  All they would have had to do was ring it up.  They lost the sale.  I walked out.

Something in me just seemed to snap.  There's absolutely no need for me to tolerate such rudeness.  I don't have the luxury of sending Rudy to take care of things for me.  I'm going to have to get tough.

DON'T go to the Ag-Pro
John Deere dealership in Newnan!

I didn't waste time or energy giving them a piece of my mind.  I thought about writing a quick note to the company, but decided they aren't worth the effort.  What do I care if they improve?  Instead, I decided the best action would be to WARN all of my friends - if you want good customer service, DON'T go to Ag-Pro in Newnan.

I ended up buying the mower at Home Depot.   The price was exactly the same.  Kimberly took good care of me.  She rang it up, hunted down ramps, helped load the mower, climbed in the truck to help tie it down, and more.  Now that's how it's done!

I have been thinking about this incident for a good part of the afternoon.  I have a number of friends who, for one reason or another, are on their own.  There's no man to "take care of them".  Most of those women seem to have a stronger attitude than my married friends.  When I say stronger attitude, I'm not implying they are pushy or rude or anything like that at all.  They just seem to have higher expectations and a can-do (or more precisely, a must-do) attitude.  I'd never really thought about any of that before.  Also, I've never thought of myself as a wimp, but looking back, I guess I was.  I'm changing (because I have to) and there's no turning back.