No Immunotherapy Today

Immunotherapy was supposed to have started last week.  It didn't because his platelets were too low - 23.  We went to CTCA again today, hoping to get started on this new treatment.  His platelets are still too low - 30.  That's a tiny bit better than last week, but still waaayyy below normal.  Normal is between 150 and 450.
His hemoglobin is also low, but just over the number that would mean a transfusion.

His white blood cell count is low - that means he's back to needing to avoid company and crowds again.

Terri feels confident that these numbers will come back up, just like they did last time.  We just have to wait on his body to recover from the chemo and radiation.   By they way, we sure do love Terri.  She's the nurse practitioner, which is just one notch under our main doctor.  She's the whole package - brilliant, kind, sweet, funny, and upbeat.  She calls Rudy, "Uncle Rudy".  He LOVES that!  She gives him a big, from-the-heart hug every time she sees us.

This is not a good photo of Terri.  It doesn't even come close to capturing her vivacious personality.  She's forever in our hearts.

Rudy's appetite isn't all that great, but it's not as bad as it has been.  He's eating. Not much of what he wants is healthy, but at this point, I'm just happy to see him eating anything at all.  He weighs 168 now.  So what is he eating?  He wants pizza and cinnamon rolls.  I would never have guessed he'd enjoy the pizza because he's not liking anything spicy.  I should know better than to try to make sense of any of this.  Just when I think I have ANYTHING figured out, something happens to let me know that I'll likely never figure out anything at all.

The one thing he is enjoying that is on his list of things he's encouraged to have - beet and apple juice.  It's a bit of trouble to make.  I thought we could take the easy way out and mix the bottled beet juice with bottled organic apple juice.  It tasted good to me.  Nope.  He prefers the fresh.  There'll be no shortcuts, I guess.

More Misc. News - 

This photo was on our nieces Facebook page.  Abby wore a Team Rudy bracelet when she ran a race recently.

Another niece, Sarah, made Rudy the most wonderful cupcakes last weekend.  I CANNOT believe that I forgot to take a photo of them.  They were so pretty and colorful, all decorated for Easter.  Sarah is getting so tall.  Sarah is a niece on my side of the family.  Abby is from Rudy's side.  Both of them are tall and look like models.  We have a lot of fabulous nieces and nephews.  Best of all, they are all really good people.  We are so proud of them all.

We had two wonderful visits this weekend.  First, our long time friend, Doyle came by.  It was so good to see him.  Doyle and Rudy have been friends since high school.

Next, Rudy's Aunt Jane stopped by. She lives in Buford, but had come down to Senoia with a friend, so of course she couldn't be this close without seeing us.

It was a wonderful day and really great to see everybody, but Rudy was pretty worn out afterwards.  Happy, but worn out.

Again, I wasn't thinking and didn't take any photos.

On the other hand, one day last week, I took a million photos of one of our kitties who was being particularly snuggly.  This is Sissy -

Sissy thinks she's a baby and likes to be held like one, too.  She's incredibly smart and very high maintenance.

As for me, I'm still going.  I can handle the big important things pretty well, but the stupid, little things are getting to me.  I feel like I'm drowning.  I haven't had a pity party in a while, but I think I'm heading for one.  I keep crying over totally ridiculous things.  Yesterday, it was a commercial.  Like I said, it's totally ridiculous.  I think I'm going to try hard to have a little fun the next couple of days (while force feeding Rudy nutritious foods).

By the way, if anyone wants to bring Rudy some tasty leftovers to eat, let me know!  I'm not having much luck getting him to eat my cooking.  Don't bring much - he may not eat it and I won't be able to eat it since I have to stay on a pretty strict diet to keep my IBS issues under control.  I wish I had a cook... and a housekeeper... and I might as well wish for a gardener and handyman, while I'm at it.

OH OH OH - speaking of handyman, I'm so proud of myself.  After we got the new floors, our washing machine decided to dance across the floor every time it was turned on.  I bought a couple of sets of anti-vibration pads to go under the washer and dryer.  The problem - Rudy is too weak to help.  If I had said anything to him, he would have insisted on helping, but he just shouldn't, so I kept quiet about it.  My dad would have gladly helped, but I didn't want him to pull anything.  Any of my brother-in-laws would have come down and helped, but they're all either really busy or have bad knees.  So what's a girl to do?  I figured out how to do it all by myself.  I hoisted that heavy washing machine up with hand trucks and while balancing the washer in the air by standing on the hand trucks just right, I used my free foot to slide each pad in place.  The pads work great.  The washer no longer dances across the floor.  I couldn't get them under the dryer.  There's not enough room to lift it with hand trucks.  I'll have to get help one of these days.  No rush.  The dryer doesn't dance and I can live with the uneven surface til help arrives.  Luckily the dryer isn't nearly as heavy as the washer.

Pity Party

People have told me many times lately that they really admire how strong I have been since finding out Rudy has lung cancer.  They think I'm so positive and focused.  First, that attitude has not come easily.  I feel like many times I am faking it for the benefit of others, mostly Rudy.  Some days I can't even fake it. Sunday was one of those days.  I had a big pity party and it pretty much lasted all day long.

I'm not going to be hard on myself for occasionally losing my grip.  I think my life is pretty damned challenging right now.  In addition to the big, ugly thing - cancer - so many little things keep popping up.  Every day, there is a new concern or something more on my to-do list.

• Rudy is closing his business.  I'm the bookkeeper. 
• The flu is rampant.  Rudy's immune system is down.  We need to avoid people.  Every time I come in from unavoidable errands, I strip down, throw everything I was wearing in the wash, and take a shower.
• Laundry piles have tripled.
• I am having to cook way more than previously. There is enormous pressure to make those meals extra nutritious.  His bloodwork numbers are pretty poor right now.  I juice beets and apples every day.  It's not difficult, but it takes time.
• With all the cooking comes lots of dish cleaning.  Lots.  Lots by hand (juicers and blenders).  Lots in the dishwasher.  
• I can't eat half of what I cook for Rudy because I have IBS.  I can't afford to skip out of my nutrition needs.  If I get sick, it could be disastrous.  But truthfully, I don't always have the energy to focus much on my meals.
• We have four cats and 6 dogs.  We are big animal lovers.  They generally bring lots of joys, but with all we have going on now, they feel overwhelming.  
• Two of our cats are old and blind.  Henry lives in the barn/workshop.  We tried to move him into the house so we wouldn't need to heat the barn.  That didn't work out.  He terrorized one of the other cats and he starting peeing all over.  We already have another peeing cat - Cindy Lou.  Her sight is fine and she stays outside most of the time.  When we bring her in (at night and in bad weather) she manages to sneak around and mark her territory - mostly on our baseboards.  Baseboards shouldn't be on the list of things to clean often, but at our house they are. I should be cleaning them right this minute.  I'm at my wits end.  We love Cindy.  She's cute as pie.  But there are times when we are ready to declare her a permanent outside cat, no matter what the weather.  Every time we decide that, the weather turns really really bad and we cave.
• A rescue puppy we got before the diagnosis has developed mange.  That requires lots of vet visits, special baths and medication 3x a day.  I'm taking him to the vet today for his special bath.  I still can't believe this has been added in our lives right now.  I've had a number of talks with God about it.  So far, there are no answers I can comprehend.
• Bills.  Home bills.  Company bills.   Especially medical bills.  Luckily we have good insurance.  It's not the money.  We are not knocking on the poorhouse door.  It's the time and energy.  Dealing with medical bills is an advanced skill.  You need to match the bill to the insurance statement.  Neither are easy to decipher.  Mistakes are made.  It's a huge headache.  
• I'm not free to clean whenever I have energy and time.  For instance, as I'm writing this post, Rudy is asleep in the recliner.  He needs his rest.  Rest is important for building platelets.  Several naps a day are good for him.  But I can't vacuum or bang around in the kitchen.  I have the energy.  I have the time.  But I need to be quiet.  So here I am on this darned computer.

I could go on and on and on.  If I had written this post on Sunday, that list would have been much longer.  Thankfully, my attitude is better now.  I've bounced back.  The pity party is over.  

When it comes to my to-do list, the thing that gets me through, and it has worked for me almost since the beginning of this cancer journey, is focusing on what I need to deal with today.  When I think of everything I need to juggle, I am overwhelmed and discouraged.  When I think of the future, I am overwhelmed, discouraged, and so sad that it's unbearable.  Even now, just writing that has made my eyes swell with tears.  BUT - when I think only of what I need to do today, it's really not so bad.  I need to spend time with Rudy.  That's the most important thing on the list.  I need to take Teddy to the vet.  I need to do some cooking and cleaning.  I've already got things in the crockpot and a load in the dishwasher.  I've also cooked pumpkin muffins (with pumpkin and raisins and walnuts - all on his list of things he needs.  The cats are fed.  Teddy has had his first dose of meds for the day.  It's not so bad.  I can do this.

I am sure that Sunday's pity party won't be my last.  Hopefully, I won't make them a habit.  They aren't helpful.  A day in pity is wasted a day.  

I have several reasons for writing this post.  Whenever someone compliments me on my strength and wonderful attitude, I feel like an imposter.  There are dark thoughts swirling thru my head that I constantly battle.  My positive attitude is a force of will.  I know there are others on the cancer journey who read my blog.  I don't want any of them for even a moment to think I'm always rosy and positive.  This is not easy.   I've never felt the need for a support group in my life, but I have been thinking seriously about joining one.  The only thing is I'm afraid if I really opened up, I might start crying and not be able to stop.  And I desperately need to hang on to being positive and happy.  That's what is called for right now.  

To stay positive, I only need to think of the good things in our life.  TRULY - Rudy and I have so much to be thankful for.    We love each other, even after all these years, and we are loved by many.  Our friend and family support group is amazing.  Our doctors and medical team at Cancer Treatment Center are phenomenal.  It's such a happy place and we are very lucky to be there.  We aren't rich by any means, but we have what we need to be happy.  We are blessed.  God is watching over us.

The pity party is over.

PS - Prayers please - We need Rudy's blood test results to be very very good this Friday.