Seven Months - My Reflections

There are many days when I can be thankful for what I once had and thankful for what I still have and determined to make the best of what I have.  This isn't one of those days.  Tomorrow at 9:15am, Rudy will have been gone for 7 months.

Most days this month, I have done what needs to be done.  I've managed to deal with Thanksgiving without resentment.  Now, I seem to have hit a bit of a slump in my determination to stay positive.  I haven't completely lost it, I really am determined, but I'm struggling.  I've been easy on myself for not always being a shining example of how to get on with life.  I know occasional slumps are to be expected.  Holidays probably make slumps worse.  I'm at peace with my slump.  That's sounds a bit funny.

I worked today on a little project with photos of Rudy.  I thought I was up for it and actually am quite pleased with what I accomplished.  When it was done, I went for a walk with the dogs, still thinking I was just fine.  My mind wandered.  I wasn't braced or careful with my thoughts. Pandora's grief box opened just enough to knock me for a loop.

Grief isn't just emotional.  It's physical.  These last 7 months, make that 13 months, have shown me the physical side.  It's probably different for others, but when a wave of grief hits me, first I can't breathe.  It feels like someone large is sitting on my chest. My lungs seem to stop working and my airway narrows all the way up through my neck. I feel it slowly narrowing. Next, I feel a pain in my chest.  I feel sure it's a piece of my heart chipping off.  Then come the tears.  Sometimes one.  Sometimes many. The number of tears don't always equal the amount of sadness.  There have been some mighty bad moments with no tears at all. When it's over, it takes about ten minutes or so to breathe normally and for my heart to feel right again.  It's not imagined.  These are actual physical symptoms.  If I were hooked up to monitors, they'd set off warning alarms, for sure.  I wonder if a grief wave is similar to incidents where people have panic attacks that mimic heart attacks.

Speaking of physical, there's one other thing that has been bothering me and I don't see anyone mentioning it in grief discussions.  I miss hugs.  Rudy was a champion hugger.  You can only hug a friend or relative for so long before it becomes awkward.  If you have kids or grandkids, you can hug them longer - long enough to keep you from going nutty.  If you don't have a long-hug candidate nearby, then it's a slow form of torture.  I remember a study about baby monkeys kept from motherly contact.  They all started rocking themselves as they slowly went crazy.  Am I on the fast track to crazy?  I'm rocking more these days.  Next thing you know, I may start grabbing strangers.  You'll hear them frantically screaming calling out, "She's hugging me and won't let go!"  If you have someone nearby who gives good hugs, don't take them or their hugs for granted.  By the way, my longing for a good hug does not translate to me being desperate to start dating.  I'm still damaged goods and don't plan to latch onto somebody who might "save me". Anyway, I think it must take a special kind of person to be willing to take on a widow.

There are several things that seem to be making a positive difference in my life -

Most importantly, I am surrounded by people who love me.  I have a wonderful family - both my side and Rudy's side.  I hate describing Rudy's side of the family that way, because they are MY family, too.  I have many, many friends who watch out for me.  I even have a few people new to my life who have taken me on and become important.  Our connection to people is what life is all about, right?  In the end, it's what really matters.

My 6 dogs and 2 cats have been both a curse and a blessing.  Mostly a blessing.  They run me ragged.  They cost a fortune.  They keep me from running off to  exotic locations.  Several of them have issues.  But they love me and I love them.  They are my family.  They make me laugh.  They love to snuggle.  They keep me from going off the deep end.

Getting outside is my equivalent of getting on a life raft.  I go on daily walks and I've been hiking, as well.  My dad and/or my dogs are my daily walking partners.  We walk around our property - it's about a mile all the way around.  It's always beautiful.  We have a pond, woods, pastures, and plenty of wildlife to watch.  It never gets old. As much as I dream of simplifying and downsizing, I love this place.  My friend, Susan, is my hiking partner.  We've been mostly going to state parks.  We prefer ones with water features - creeks, rivers, falls.  They'll all been just challenging enough to keep us focused.  Best of all, they've all been beautiful and sooooo worth the challenges.

An old book has become my new friend.  The book is Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  At one time, Oprah was promoting it as the best thing since sliced bread.  I bought it when it first came out (1995-ish) with the best of intentions, but it sat unread for years til I finally donated it to Goodwill.  A few months after Rudy died, I bought a used copy from Goodwill. Maybe the one I donated came full circle!  This time I started reading it daily (it's a daily journal).  Soon, I started underlining and writing notes in the margins.  Some days the message is nice, but nothing major.  Many days, the message seems to be written just for me.  This book has helped me along.  It's not a book for widows.  It's a book I'd recommend to any woman.

Even with all the positives in my life, lately this slump has been getting the best of me too often.  Maybe I will go through this struggling phase because it needs to be gone through.  Maybe I can't skip over or minimize any parts of the grief process without them eventually popping up.  Maybe I need to let my guard down for awhile.  Or maybe I'm having a really bad day and tomorrow I'll wake up with some newfound determination.  One thing is certain, I'm no longer certain of anything.  Ha! I think I'm channeling Yogi Berra.


Decorating for the holidays has been a joke. I pulled things out and put them back away, over and over.  I finally gave up.  I stubbornly thought for a bit that I could be OK with putting a few Christmas-y things on my dining table.  I'm packing those back up tomorrow.  I've decided to be tongue in cheek about it and put out a bowl of lemons.  When I go to the grocery store, if my attitude has improved, I might also get some oranges and cinnamon sticks to add to the bowl.  We'll see.  I doubt it.  I'm feeling a bit mad at life right now, so lemons seem fitting.  Sour grapes seem fitting as well, but they aren't very attractive and would probably smell bad, too.

I'll end on a nicer note with a photo of Rudy.  This is one of my favorite photos of him.   I haven't actually ranked his photos, but I'd be willing to bet if I did, this would be in the top five. Possibly THE favorite. The photo is old and faded.  It was taken in 1978.  He's a mess.  He's just come from a fishing trip and he's holding his catch.  I've never been a fan of fishing and I've definitely never been a fan of proudly holding up an animal you've just killed.  (Full disclaimer:  I eat meat and am completely aware that I am a big hypocrite.)   Despite all this, I love this photo.  This is the guy I fell in love with.  He's so happy!  Even filthy and holding a dead fish, he could charm me.  This is the guy who is causing me to lose my mind right now.

George Needs a New Home!

All the info about George is now on this page.

Doggy Boot Camp

Rudy was the dog whisperer in our family.  He was the alpha dog in charge.  I was happily second in command and my role was mostly sweet talking.  I benefited from his discipline.  He was good at keeping the dogs in line.  He was firm, but fun, and they all loved him dearly.  They towed the line because they wanted to please him.

With Rudy gone, I'm sure there's been uncertainty in our pack.  Six dogs.  Three males.  Two young ones who didn't get to spend enough time with Rudy to clearly understand the rules.  And me?  Grieving and lost, I've  mostly wanted to snuggle with them all.

George, one of the young ones, has been showing signs of possessiveness and aggression.  His last incident got my full attention and I'm happy to say I'm stepping up and letting them all know I'm in charge.

The six dogs and I are in the midst of what I'm calling doggy boot camp.  I need retraining as much as they do.  I'm reading articles and spending time reinforcing our new rules.  I'm amazed at how well it's going.  I think Rudy may be helping me somehow.

I don't know how well I can get them trained or how far I might take this, but I consider this phase one.  Phase one includes basics.

1 - I'm boss.  Today when I told the family about my new system, my sister-in-law, Nancy, said I was the Alpha Bitch (which could be taken as referring to a female dog or a very assertive female).  The family cracked up over that one and sweet Nancy tried four different ways to make that not sound bad.  It was finally decided that she's been living with her hubby, Mike Alford, for way too long and his craziness has influenced her.  It really was funny.  But, on a deeper level,  it's sort of sad that just when I've become a fairly mellow person, I am having to step up in all areas of my life to become strong, independent and assertive even though I was really happy with being mellow.  (Sigh)  It is what it is.  I guess I'll have to claim my new title.

This is Nancy while she tried to back track and make my new title sound nicer.
Nancy - never, ever insult someone with a blog.  LOL
Truthfully, I thought it was quick-witted and funny as all get-out.

2 - Nothing is free.  Since I'm boss, everything belongs to me - food, treats, toys, etc.  If they want any of it, they have to do something to earn it.  Mostly, they have to come to me and sit.  Sitting first is making treat time and meal time much calmer.

George sits and waits for his turn to get a treat.

3 - No means no.  Most of the dogs respond decently to me saying no.  I am occasionally reinforcing my NO with a quick squirt from a water bottle.  George is the main one who needed that to start with.  This is just day three of boot camp and I only had to squirt George once.  Just one quick squirt quickly redirected him.

I'm going for long walks with them twice a day right now.  That's been a great opportunity for training.  I take doggy treats and my squirt bottle.  We've been walking for about 35-40 minutes at a time. I stop about 10 times to hand out little treats.  They have to come to me and sit calmly to earn that treat.  They are doing a great job. Annie has always been the hardest to hand feed - she gets excited and sometimes it seems fingers might be at risk.  I've been getting stricter with her on this and demanding more calmness.  She's really done well.

We're going on training walks twice a day - rain or shine.
Today was rainy.

I'm having to work on my behavior just as much as theirs.  I'm learning to be firm and consistent.  I'm learning to promote calmness.  I'm learning to be loving and full of praise without relinquishing my alpha role. I don't want these dogs to be fearful or anxious.  I want them to feel secure and loved and to understand what's expected.  I'm determined to make it work. I'll bet Rudy is proud of me.

Wow. Teddy is Looking GOOD!

I have no idea how things will go long term, but Teddy has made sort of a miraculous turn-around!

Whatever his issue is, it's being helped by either antibiotics and/or steroids.  He's walking almost normally and he's not stumbling or falling at all.

I can't tell you how good that feels.  I was really getting down at the thought of having to watch him go downhill.  I know better than to think that it still might no happen at a later date, but at least for now, he and I both are really happy.

Here's a video that shows him in action -

UPDATE: Teddy doesn't have a tumor or anything so serious.  It all seems to be allergy related (something outside).  He's now on allergy medication and doing great!

A Lesson From Teddy

I've been feeling pretty low lately.  Tomorrow will be 2 months since Rudy's death.  It's been a long, hard 2 months.  I really don't like that I'm marking the anniversary of his death.  Id rather mark happier anniversaries, but I can't seem to help myself.

Another thing I'm dealing with is the failing health of my dog, Teddy.  He's the young one who had what we thought was mange, then it appeared his skin troubles were solved through a limited ingredient diet.  I guess it wasn't solved. Some of his "hot spots" seem to be coming back as you can see in the photo.

I'll try to get some better photos soon.

A few months back, we thought Teddy had injured a leg or hip, but we didn't think it was too serious.  He was walking a little odd, but didn't seem to be in pain.  In the last couple of weeks, his walking got worse. He wobbles and seems unsure of his footing.  Sometime he stumbles and tips over.  I took him to the vet today.  She feels sure it's something neurological, most likely a brain tumor.  There's also a chance it could be some tick born illness or something similar.  Before we give up, she wants to try him on steroids and antibiotics.

I am hurting over this on so many levels.  It would be really hard to watch him go down.  I'm still trying desperately to erase the memories of Rudy's last weeks.  I'm  focusing on good memories so hopefully those the images will be the ones that first come into my head.  Watching Teddy go down would be too much of a reminder of those painful days with Rudy.

Teddy is such a sweetheart.  He's a very trusting, happy dog.  Ok.  Enough of that.  It's not helping.   Let me get to the better part of this post.

This afternoon, I went for a walk with the dogs.  Teddy went along.  He looks a bit spastic when he walks, but that didn't stop him.  On our walk, he was dashing around here and there and even did a good bit of running.  He was wagging his tail and looking quite happy despite his issues.  There's a lesson there.

I guess I'll go on the journey with him and we'll BOTH try to be as happy as possible.  He may have a brain tumor and go down rapidly.  He may have something that is able to be contained with pills.  I know better than to attempt any predictions.  Teddy and I will do the best we can with what each day brings.  And maybe we'll go for more walks.

This quote (and this post) is more positive than I'm truly feeling, but I'm working on it.

UPDATE: Teddy doesn't have a tumor or anything so serious.  It all seems to be allergy related (something outside).  He's now on allergy medication and doing great!

Thankful for Our Fur Babies

Our six dogs and three cats have been through a lot of changes these last 7 months. Rudy was their pack leader.

Annie seems to be taking his loss the hardest. When I'm home, she's my shadow. She even follows me to the bathroom. She's decided she needs to sleep with me, too. She's actually a really great bed partner and I'm happy for the company.

On the one hand, if it weren't for all of our pets, I'd be able to move to a place with far less upkeep. On the other hand, if it weren't for them, I'd be so lonesome I might not make it. They all give so much love.

No Immunotherapy Today

Immunotherapy was supposed to have started last week.  It didn't because his platelets were too low - 23.  We went to CTCA again today, hoping to get started on this new treatment.  His platelets are still too low - 30.  That's a tiny bit better than last week, but still waaayyy below normal.  Normal is between 150 and 450.
His hemoglobin is also low, but just over the number that would mean a transfusion.

His white blood cell count is low - that means he's back to needing to avoid company and crowds again.

Terri feels confident that these numbers will come back up, just like they did last time.  We just have to wait on his body to recover from the chemo and radiation.   By they way, we sure do love Terri.  She's the nurse practitioner, which is just one notch under our main doctor.  She's the whole package - brilliant, kind, sweet, funny, and upbeat.  She calls Rudy, "Uncle Rudy".  He LOVES that!  She gives him a big, from-the-heart hug every time she sees us.

This is not a good photo of Terri.  It doesn't even come close to capturing her vivacious personality.  She's forever in our hearts.

Rudy's appetite isn't all that great, but it's not as bad as it has been.  He's eating. Not much of what he wants is healthy, but at this point, I'm just happy to see him eating anything at all.  He weighs 168 now.  So what is he eating?  He wants pizza and cinnamon rolls.  I would never have guessed he'd enjoy the pizza because he's not liking anything spicy.  I should know better than to try to make sense of any of this.  Just when I think I have ANYTHING figured out, something happens to let me know that I'll likely never figure out anything at all.

The one thing he is enjoying that is on his list of things he's encouraged to have - beet and apple juice.  It's a bit of trouble to make.  I thought we could take the easy way out and mix the bottled beet juice with bottled organic apple juice.  It tasted good to me.  Nope.  He prefers the fresh.  There'll be no shortcuts, I guess.

More Misc. News - 

This photo was on our nieces Facebook page.  Abby wore a Team Rudy bracelet when she ran a race recently.

Another niece, Sarah, made Rudy the most wonderful cupcakes last weekend.  I CANNOT believe that I forgot to take a photo of them.  They were so pretty and colorful, all decorated for Easter.  Sarah is getting so tall.  Sarah is a niece on my side of the family.  Abby is from Rudy's side.  Both of them are tall and look like models.  We have a lot of fabulous nieces and nephews.  Best of all, they are all really good people.  We are so proud of them all.

We had two wonderful visits this weekend.  First, our long time friend, Doyle came by.  It was so good to see him.  Doyle and Rudy have been friends since high school.

Next, Rudy's Aunt Jane stopped by. She lives in Buford, but had come down to Senoia with a friend, so of course she couldn't be this close without seeing us.

It was a wonderful day and really great to see everybody, but Rudy was pretty worn out afterwards.  Happy, but worn out.

Again, I wasn't thinking and didn't take any photos.

On the other hand, one day last week, I took a million photos of one of our kitties who was being particularly snuggly.  This is Sissy -

Sissy thinks she's a baby and likes to be held like one, too.  She's incredibly smart and very high maintenance.

As for me, I'm still going.  I can handle the big important things pretty well, but the stupid, little things are getting to me.  I feel like I'm drowning.  I haven't had a pity party in a while, but I think I'm heading for one.  I keep crying over totally ridiculous things.  Yesterday, it was a commercial.  Like I said, it's totally ridiculous.  I think I'm going to try hard to have a little fun the next couple of days (while force feeding Rudy nutritious foods).

By the way, if anyone wants to bring Rudy some tasty leftovers to eat, let me know!  I'm not having much luck getting him to eat my cooking.  Don't bring much - he may not eat it and I won't be able to eat it since I have to stay on a pretty strict diet to keep my IBS issues under control.  I wish I had a cook... and a housekeeper... and I might as well wish for a gardener and handyman, while I'm at it.

OH OH OH - speaking of handyman, I'm so proud of myself.  After we got the new floors, our washing machine decided to dance across the floor every time it was turned on.  I bought a couple of sets of anti-vibration pads to go under the washer and dryer.  The problem - Rudy is too weak to help.  If I had said anything to him, he would have insisted on helping, but he just shouldn't, so I kept quiet about it.  My dad would have gladly helped, but I didn't want him to pull anything.  Any of my brother-in-laws would have come down and helped, but they're all either really busy or have bad knees.  So what's a girl to do?  I figured out how to do it all by myself.  I hoisted that heavy washing machine up with hand trucks and while balancing the washer in the air by standing on the hand trucks just right, I used my free foot to slide each pad in place.  The pads work great.  The washer no longer dances across the floor.  I couldn't get them under the dryer.  There's not enough room to lift it with hand trucks.  I'll have to get help one of these days.  No rush.  The dryer doesn't dance and I can live with the uneven surface til help arrives.  Luckily the dryer isn't nearly as heavy as the washer.

Radiation Ends Early

Rudy's lab work today showed his platelets were down even lower.  The radiologist said we could still continue radiation, but when he realized we were set to start immunotherapy next week, he decided to stop radiation now.  It's already done what we wanted - cut the back pain.  Rudy only had 3 days left anyway.  Radiation is rough on platelets so having the extra days for his body to heal will help.  

Dr. Hyde said immunotherapy is "the best thing since sliced bread"
and is more important for Rudy than having more radiation.

At CTCA, when a patient finishes chemo or radiation, they have a little celebration.  When the patient comes out they ring a bell.

Rudy was a little surprised at how much he enjoyed the celebration.

They gave him a t-shirt, a cupcake and a few other little goodies. 

We thought our celebration was set for Friday, so we were totally unprepared. Rudy and I were dressed like slobs.  Linda and Nancy just happened to be there. They come for all the doctor appointments, but usually, it's just Rudy and I for radiation.  A bunch of CTCA folks who happened to be nearby joined in.  

One of the ladies who joined in the celebration was a housekeeping lady that we have all fallen in love with.  This lady is truly a ray of sunshine to everyone she meets.

This is the radiation receptionist who has greeted us most days for the past month.  This is a terrible photo of her - she's cute as a button.  

Once home, we were both exhausted.  Neither of us have slept well the last couple of days.  I've had an attack of seasonal allergies.  I bought 24 hour Zyrtec yesterday and for 24 hours I was miserable.  I think it's out of my system now and I feel much better.  I was able to take a long nap and I feel like a new woman.  The allergies were easier than the Zyrtec side effects.

Rudy tried to take a nap, too, but wasn't so lucky.  His last radiation today triggered some hacking.  His 7 day Sancuso patch for nausea was ending and it takes a while for the new patch to kick in.  Bottom line - he's feeling yucky.  His pain is down though - he's trying out dropping down to 1 pill a day now.  It was 3 a day.

Around dinnertime, it got exciting.  We had quite a hail storm.  I sure hope there's no damage.   I took a photo of it, but the hail hardly showed up in the photos.  Most of it was around an inch in diameter.  They got a little larger for a short time.  I went to the porch and said, "Seriously, God?" and the hail stopped.  I'm not kidding.  I guess God knew I didn't have time to deal with insurance and replacing our roof again.

I'll be having a lot more conversations with God this week.  I really want Rudy's body to rebound so he'll be able to do well with immunotherapy.  If his platelets are not up, it may have to be postponed.  Even if it's not postponed, it just make sense that his body needs to be in good shape in order for his immune system to wage a war against those cancer cells.

Also, he needs to put on some weight. He's down to 172 pounds.  That just won't do.  His appetite it practically non-existent.  I'm not known for my cooking skills, but I'm doing the best I can to make things that will tempt him. I'm failing miserably.  If anyone has extras of something yummy that's not too rich or spicy, bring it on over!  Don't bring a whole casserole - just enough for one serving.  His taste buds are still way off from chemo and there are lots of things he used to love that taste terrible right now.  His current favorite food are fried eggs.  We haven't eaten fried eggs in years.  Gooey, rich casseroles - especially the kind with condensed soups - disgust him.  Once I find a food he likes, I run it into the ground because it's so hard to think of what to cook that might tempt him.  The dogs take care of our leftovers and they've never had it so good.

Speaking of pets, have I shown this photo already?  I can't remember.  Little George looks so sweet as he sleeps snuggling up to Sadie.

Here's another pet photo.  It's a bit dark, but that's Sissy sitting in Shirley's cow chair.  I put a big pillow in the chair hoping to keep it pet-hair-free for company.  Sissy pushed that pillow back and claimed her spot.  I guess I'm going to need to make a slipcover soon.

I know there will be lots of people praying along with us these next weeks. Prayers have helped us through so many hard times.  We are praying hard that immunotherapy will prove wildly successful for Rudy and for all the other patients who are fighting.

One day, 

maybe the word incurable 

will only be used in history books.

I liked that sentence so well that I decided it needed to be large and bold!  

The Dog Bite

The dog bite is doing well. So many people have been worried and thinking I need to go have it looked at that I decided to post a closeup view so everyone would believe me when I say it's fine.

The bite had very little puncture to it, thankfully.  It's more of a scrap with a whole lot of bruising.  I think he chomped more than bit.  It's tender when touched, like a bad bruise, but most of the time I am able to forget about it.

This photo is after the area was cleaned up.  It started swelling and turning colors within minutes.  That was a bit unnerving. You can see the swelling from the angle in the above photo.

From this angle, you can see the bruising.

This was from yesterday.  The bruised area is getting really colorful.   The whole area is really puffy and swollen, too.

This photo was taken today.  It's still swollen, but not quite as much as yesterday. I'm able to clean the area without wincing.  I looked very very closely at all the marks and none look deep.

Rudy and I went for a walk a little while ago, while it was still good and sunny.  Both of us are walking fine.  I'm not limping and Rudy's not struggling.  We sat outside for ages, too.  It was soooo pleasant.  I think we may have a touch of spring fever.  We're so ready for warmer weather.  We seem to have had a lot of gloomy, overcast days this last month.

As for Teddy, he's being very good.  He's eating by himself and I've been feeding him a bunch more than normal.  I wonder how long it will take a month's worth of steroids to get out of his system.   For now, no matter how much I feed him, he eats it down like he may never get another meal again.

Platelets & Dog Bites

We were both really tired today.  Yesterday, we left the house at around 8:15am and got home at 9:38pm.  We love CTCA, but we sure don't like staying that long.

Rudy went back to CTCA today to check his blood levels.  His platelets were at 36 - still very low, but better than yesterday.  He'll go back on Monday to be sure they are trending upward.  He looks better and feels better.  I hope he'll reax over the weekend and give himself time to recover.

The big excitement today concerns me.  Teddy, the dog who has been dealing with mange, has been on steroids.  They have made him really hungry and I guess they have made him a bit more aggressive as well.  There was a dog scuffle last week around dinnertime.  We were able to break it up easily.  We switched to feeding them separately at dinnertime til today.  I decided to try feeding everyone together again.  That didn't go so well.  Teddy and Annie got into it and I broke the cardinal rule - I tried to break it up.  I got bit on the inside of my knee.  Boy, did it hurt!

I cleaned it real well.  It's bandaged and elevated.  I've taken acetaminophen.  It's swollen and bruised and ugly, but it definitely doesn't need stitches.  I'll watch it carefully for signs of infection.  All the dogs are up on their shots, so no worries there.  The pain has gone down, as long as I stay seated.

As for Teddy, no more steroids.  He was at the end of the dose anyway.  I'll be feeding him 3 times a day (away from all the others) til the steroids are well out of his system.  He has never shown any signs of aggression til these medications.
Annie was very contrite and has been wanting to make sure I'm not mad at her.  Teddy is a bit goofy.  I don't think he even realizes he bit me.

Truthfully, if I had it to do over again, I'd probably still try to break up that fight quickly.  When Rudy heard the commotion, he was on his way out.  If he'd gotten bit, he'd probably be at CTCA now, trying to stop the bleeding and fight the infection.