Rudy and Denise: Five Months

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Five Months - My Reflections

As of 9:15 this morning, Rudy will have been gone 5 months. I just read over what I wrote after four months and it seems to describe about the way I'm feeling now. I still miss him like crazy. I still think I hear him coming in from work. I still imagine what he'd have to say about everything. I still can't believe he's gone.

Not much has changed except my need to write publicly about how I'm feeling.

When I write on this blog, I am mostly thinking about whether what I'm saying might be helpful to other widows. Then, I think about whether what I'm saying might make my friends and family worry about me. Then I wonder if what I'm writing truly reflects how I'm feeling after all the editing.

I have switched over to journaling more for myself. It's easier. I don't have to think so much as I write. I just put down my feelings and get it out of my system. Then I get back to reality.

This is how I think of Rudy.
He was hilarious and laughed a lot. That's what made me fall for him.

I like this photo a lot, despite the poor focus and color. That expression is how he looked just as something funny was occurring to him. He could say something halfway insulting in a way that made you know you were loved and enjoy being zinged. He only did this with people he was close to. I heard a quote recently about somebody famous and of course, I can't remember who. It said this person could tell you to go to hell in a way that made you look forward to the trip. For Rudy, that would be changed to he could insult you in a way that made you proud to be so enjoyably flawed.

Life Can Change on a Dime

In October, 2014 my husband, Rudy, went to the doctor for what he thought was a mild case of bronchitis and it turned out to be stage 4 lung cancer. He passed away peacefully at 9:15am on May 7th, 2015. We had been married 36-1/2 years. I lost the love of my life.

We had lots of support from family and friends while Rudy was ill and those people have continued to support me as I try to make sense of life without Rudy.

This blog was originally started as a way to keep our loved ones informed of Rudy's journey. It became my journal. I had a hard time talking about how I was feeling, but writing about my feelings helped so much - it was a conversation with myself. If my friends want to know how I was doing and they were tired of hearing me say, "I'm OK", they could look here. But more than that, I found that this journal was help for others on a similar journey.