Wednesday, October 7, 2015

Five Months - My Reflections

As of 9:15 this morning, Rudy will have been gone 5 months.  I just read over what I wrote after four months and it seems to describe about the way I'm feeling now.  I still miss him like crazy.  I still think I hear him coming in from work.  I still imagine what he'd have to say about everything.  I still can't believe he's gone.

Not much has changed except my need to write publicly about how I'm feeling.

When I write on this blog, I am mostly thinking about whether what I'm saying might be helpful to other widows.  Then, I think about whether what I'm saying might make my friends and family worry about me.  Then I wonder if what I'm writing truly reflects how I'm feeling after all the editing.

I have switched over to journaling more for myself.  It's easier.  I don't have to think so much as I write.  I just put down my feelings and get it out of my system.  Then I get back to reality.

This is how I think of Rudy.
He was hilarious and laughed a lot.  That's what made me fall for him.

I like this photo a lot, despite the poor focus and color.  That expression is how he looked just as something funny was occurring to him.    He could say something halfway insulting in a way that made you  know you were loved and enjoy being zinged. He only did this with people he was close to. I heard a quote recently about somebody famous and of course, I can't remember who.  It said this person could tell you to go to hell in a way that made you look forward to the trip. For Rudy, that would be changed to he could insult you in a way that made you proud to be so enjoyably flawed.