Not all my changes are good. I'm a bit tougher than I used to be. I had to toughen up. Sometimes that toughness feels hard, like I can't allow myself to feel too much. I hope that's temporary. Also, everything I do, even my laughter, includes sadness. I work hard to not show too much sadness. I prefer to face the day with a smile. That takes effort and can be exhausting.
I had lots of invitations to do fun things for my birthday. My friends and family were ready to do anything I wanted. I chose to stay home and rest. I've been busy for too long. I've been putting on a happy face for too long. A day to decompress was long overdue.
The day would seem completely boring to most people, but it was the best it could be for me. I opened birthday cards, including a funny face one from my niece, Kelly. I wasn't successful in getting the card lined up just right in front of my face while doing a selfie. I don't like selfies, but I'm pushing myself to take more of them. Not sure why. I'm sure a creative therapist could make something out of that.
I putzed around the house a bit, doing laundry, a tiny bit of tidying and for fun, a little furniture rearranging.
I also made time for Netflix, my new nighttime friend. That little gem has come into my life just when I need it. I hardly ever watch regular TV anymore.
I decided to walk on the wild side and had a bowl of ice cream (bought just for my birthday) for dinner. It wasn't dessert. It was my DINNER. I had thought about cooking myself something nice, but having ice cream was easier and it made me laugh.
My neighbor, Bobby, came by with his son-in-law, Adam, to pick up two of the tractor accessories.
He got a scraper and a plow break. Just as he started off with the plow break, it began to rain.
My dad had walked down, so we sat under the barn lean-to and enjoyed it. He looks pretty morose in the photo, but really, it was very pleasant. Rain under a tin roof is a simple pleasure.
My day sort of makes me think of the Flowers on the Wall song. I should write my own lyrics. I'd have to mention Netflix and ice cream and obsessive decluttering. I don't have any flowers on my walls. Maybe I could count things on my to-do list instead. That would keep me busy. :-D
After my day of rest, I feel so much better. I'm ready to face the world again. My social calendar is pretty full, but I think I'm going to be sure to schedule in more time at home. There's no need to wait til I'm completely worn out to take a break. Plus, I need time to reflect. I can't run from grief. Wherever I go, there I am. That's an odd little phrase, but it's fairly profound.