Wednesday, July 1, 2015

My Birthday

Today was my birthday.  I can say without any doubt whatsoever that I am wiser than I was last year.  I'm practically a different person.  The new me appreciates everything more than ever.  I laugh more readily.  I say I love you more often.  I hug more often.  Those are good changes.

Not all my changes are good.  I'm a bit tougher than I used to be.  I had to toughen up.  Sometimes that toughness feels hard, like I can't allow myself to feel too much.  I hope that's temporary.  Also, everything I do, even my laughter, includes sadness.  I work hard to not show too much sadness.   I prefer to face the day with a smile.  That takes effort and can be exhausting.

I had lots of invitations to do fun things for my birthday.  My friends and family were ready to do anything I wanted.  I chose to stay home and rest.  I've been busy for too long.  I've been putting on a happy face for too long.  A day to decompress was long overdue.

The day would seem completely boring to most people, but it was the best it could be for me.  I opened birthday cards, including a funny face one from my niece, Kelly.  I wasn't successful in getting the card lined up just right in front of my face while doing a selfie.  I don't like selfies, but I'm pushing myself to take more of them.  Not sure why.  I'm sure a creative therapist could make something out of that.

I putzed around the house a bit, doing laundry, a tiny bit of tidying and for fun, a little furniture rearranging.  

I also made time for Netflix, my new nighttime friend.  That little gem has come into my life just when I need it.  I hardly ever watch regular TV anymore.  

I decided to walk on the wild side and had a bowl of ice cream (bought just for my birthday) for dinner.  It wasn't dessert.  It was my DINNER.  I had thought about cooking myself something nice, but having ice cream was easier and it made me laugh.  

My neighbor, Bobby, came by with his son-in-law, Adam, to pick up two of the tractor accessories.  

He got a scraper and a plow break.  Just as he started off with the plow break, it began to rain. 

My dad had walked down, so we sat under the barn lean-to and enjoyed it.  He looks pretty morose in the photo, but really, it was very pleasant.  Rain under a tin roof is a simple pleasure.

I played around in the office for a bit today.  I wasn't alone.  I have 6 dogs, but Annie is the one who has decided I need watching.  She's still missing Rudy and I guess she wants to make sure I don't leave her.  My kitty, Sissy, is usually on my desk.  Today, she decided she'd try out the floor to see if Annie knew something she didn't.

My day sort of makes me think of the Flowers on the Wall song.  I should write my own lyrics.  I'd have to mention Netflix and ice cream and obsessive decluttering. I don't have any flowers on my walls.  Maybe I could count things on my to-do list instead.  That would keep me busy. :-D

After my day of rest,  I feel so much better.   I'm ready to face the world again.  My social calendar is pretty full, but I think I'm going to be sure to schedule in more time at home.  There's no need to wait til I'm completely worn out to take a break.  Plus, I need time to reflect.  I can't run from grief.  Wherever I go, there I am.  That's an odd little phrase, but it's fairly profound.