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| I suppose I need to start reading lots of articles like this. |
October is the month that Rudy first thought he had bronchitis. He went to the doctor and had x-rays. They found a tumor. November was the grim diagnosis and the beginning of the merry-go-round of tests and chemo. Every holiday has a memory of sickness. Every holiday will also have a memory of happy times in past years. Rudy loved the holidays. Will I ever be able to love them again? I'm so mad at myself for feeling this way. I've been brilliant at controlling how I look at things and now I'm losing my control. I'm absolutely dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas. I swear, if it weren't for all my pet craziness, I'd leave town. I want to run away.
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| Seriously, I do NOT want to ruin gatherings for everyone by acting like this! This little crying girl cracks me up. See how I'm able to have fun even while being pitiful? |
Also, in the fall are two family reunions. Rudy loved those even more than holidays. I don't know why, but I think I'll be able to handle those a little better than the holidays. I keep wondering why and just have no idea. They'll be sad, but I don't feel like I could have a meltdown. Just the thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas makes me feel panicky. There is a tiny little doubt in my head about these reunions. What if I just think I'll be OK, but get there and lose it? Darn it. Where has my mind control gone? I'm doing exactly the things I know not to do.
Another weird thing I'm having trouble with is my wardrobe. So many of my fall clothes have memories attached to them. How shallow is that? I wore this sweater when Rudy was told he was going to die and there was nothing they could do. I might as well toss that sweater if I can't get myself under control. I wore that outfit to his first meeting at CTCA. Every fall and winter thing I have is associated with chemo and doctor visits and scans and emergency room visits.
I've been buying new clothes like crazy. You may think I've suddenly become a style maven, but there's a bit more to it than that. I'm trying to make the buying process fun and I'm trying to find things I can love wearing, but it's not exactly a happy fashion transformation. It's a necessary fashion transformation. Last year's clothes make me cry.
I really believe that after I get through the rest of this year I might be able to turn a corner and focus on joy again. I'd like to turn a corner before then. I'd like to figure out how I can be present at holiday gatherings without ruining them for everyone else. I can't believe it's only September and I'm worried about that. That's stupid! I don't like doing stupid things. I need to snap out of it, right?
Here's something that occurs to me, showing that karma's a bitch. I can remember seeing widows throughout my life who suddenly spruced themselves up and/or suddenly began redecorating or moving to a new home or going on trips or doing happy things. All sorts of things occurred to me - they must not have loved their husbands all that much, they must have inherited a bunch of money, they must be thinking about getting another man... the judgmental list goes on. (I will say that I was more judgmental about it when I was young and had gotten a bit more understanding in the last few years. Still I racked up a good bit of widow-judgment karma in my twenties, thirties, and forties.) Well, here I am, right smack in the middle of the things I judged. I get it now. I understand ALL the reasons now. Lesson learned. Don't judge me. I personally care very little if you do, but for your own sake, just remember... karma's a bitch.
